About, Creating Change

A Little Faith Goes a Long Way: changing perspective

Disclaimer: I am not an expert by any means. Not a therapist, medical or mental health professional. I do not diagnose, treat, or tell people what to do. The main purpose of this website and blog is education and support. If you are unsure how the suggestions and resources here may affect you, please discuss any changes to your existing treatment plan with your medical and mental health providers first.

A Story in Three Parts

Faith. Belief. Will – Something Greater than oneself

There once was a girl who gave up on everything. Herself. Life. Humanity. All of it.

She existed in a place between worlds, deep inside her mind where only dreams and nightmares could penetrate the shield separating her from every day reality. On the outside, she was a typical, shy little girl who was alternately kind and stubborn. Polite and rude. Contradictory in all aspects and confounding to the people around her. On the inside, she was always scared, always angry and always unable to feel these emotions or any other sensations in her body and spirit.

This girl learned how to be a chameleon and present a perfect facade of herself at any time to any one in any situation. She could do this multiple times in one place and be believed as long as each individual or group met with her separately (development of alternate personalities?). The people who trained her in this art (not quite acting, but close), often supervised her at the events. They had a plan and a timetable to follow. No deviations. No surprises. Not unless the girl wanted to be punished with more intensive training sessions and additional work. The downside being this girl never learned who she truly was.

This occurred throughout the girl’s childhood and adolescence. She split time in two worlds while living safely within the dreams inside her head. She existed and learned the survival skills necessary to stay alive in one world while acting like a nerdy, moody, but “normal” girl among family and school people. This girl struggled with fitting in to both worlds with such extreme and different social rules to the point where she eventually gave up and stopped talking out loud – except to push people away from her.

It often surprises many people to learn that this girl graduated high school and college in spite of her difficult beginnings and social awkwardness. But she did. The dreams kept her going. No matter how hard they tried, the trainers, teachers, and other people couldn’t stop her from dreaming. They couldn’t stop guests from visiting this girl in her dreams and offering hope. Or unconditional love. Or support. Or guidance. Or faith.

This girl never spoke about these dreams out loud, not after so many people punished her for sharing them. But some part of her remembered. Maintained faith that she could escape this life and become the person she wanted to be.

Perspective. Reflection. Change – Self care is not the same as prioritizing oneself

And it all started with an almost successful suicide attempt a couple months before college graduation. As she passed out from the combination of anaphylactic allergic reaction + Sudafed in her college dorm, this girl fell into her dream world. The dream world where other beings spoke to her, healed her, and sent her back into the world.

But not this time.

College was supposed to show this girl perspectives and horizons about life, culture, and society that were different from her experiences. Give her hope and renew her faith that she could be like her mentors – the professors and other adults she looked up to and emulated alone in her dorm room.

Instead, it only brought more pain. Physical pain. Emotional pain. Spiritual pain. Her body was breaking down. Her mind was fighting itself. Her spirit missing in action. The beings couldn’t help her this time. Not unless she was willing to do the hard work required to keep on living.

And so, before she blacked out, her body shaking and trembling as she lay on the bed, the girl whispered this promise in her mind:

if you let me live, I will live every moment of every day with gratitude, ask for help to learn these skills, and work hard to value my second chance at life.

She woke up gritty-eyed the next day – all signs of an allergic reaction gone – as whole as possible and clearheaded for first time ever. That same day the girl told her parents she wanted to go to counseling because there was something going on inside her that required more help than family could provide. Mid-semester break, the girl met with a private therapist for the first time in years. They started after the girl’s college graduation and worked together for over a year before life took them in different directions.

And while the girl took the medication and went to therapy, she never really learned how to prioritize herself. She continued to be at her family’s beck and call. She continued to let people walk all over her in her part time job during gap year. She continued to spend time with people who made fun of her and didn’t value her unless her words and actions made them feel superior to her.

The physical problems got worse. She lived in constant pain and moved like an old person with joint problems while in her early twenties. But she learned about perspective. And reflection – self and other – through sessions with the therapist. They were often painful and confusing, but necessary to undo all the cognitive distortions this girl believed about herself. The therapist provided a safe learning environment and ways to practice these new Cognitive Behavioral Therapy tools + meditation.

But when the nightmares and flashbacks increased, when the symptoms changed from clinical depression and multiple iterations of anxiety disorders to something deeper, when the medications stopped working, the therapist and the girl had to part ways. The girl stopped trusting the therapist when the therapist refused to acknowledge these changes and differences and tried to reject/deny/discard them as important instead. And so they parted ways.

The girl moved on in her journey. She used her intelligence, curiosity, and resourcefulness to learn about a new term that came up – trauma – and how that affected a person’s life on her own. She delved deeper into learning about eating disorders. And eventually started working with other counselors again – this time interviewing them before committing to a long term relationship.

The girl found her voice again through reflection and perspective. She learned to communicate with her counselors in more effective ways so they could do the same for her. She faced her inner fears and challenged the negative self-talk inside her mind with CBT and eventually Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) too. And the oddest thing happened. Without realizing it, the girl started changing from the inside out.

The shields lowered (eventually dissolving to nothing) on their own, and people got to see the real girl, now a woman, behind the masks.

By changing her inner self – thoughts, emotions, behavior – through perspective, reflection, gratitude, and coping techniques, this girl took the first steps to reclaiming her authentic self without realizing it. Her innate kindness and consideration for others reasserted itself. She became more self-aware and was able to stop herself from reacting to triggers in the moment.

Instead, the counselors helped her identify triggers and potential triggering situations so that she could plan to stop, think, and act instead of react during those times.

Then reflect on the situation without shame or judgement so she could improve her identification skills – i.e. recognize if she is reacting to the past or the present and not take out past feelings (aka over react) on present situations.

Her family noticed this. Her peers from the past noticed, and so did their social circles. And they didn’t like it at all. This new version of the young woman was confident, assertive, and powerful in ways they couldn’t understand and didn’t respect. So they did everything possible to tear her down, shame her, shun her, punish her into going back to what she was before. Someone they could control and manipulate. A girl/woman/child who was biddable and fit their ideas of who she was supposed to be.

So this woman did one of the hardest things in her life. She cut all ties, changed her name, and walked away from her old life because she couldn’t move forward with the chains of her past holding her down.

Eventually, the woman re-connected with her family. She works hard to re-build and maintain healthy relationships some of them. With others, she doesn’t talk them other than to pass on a hello or hear news in passing. It’s better for everyone that way because talking with those people only further damages the tatters of their existing relationship.

And as she did all this, the woman worked hard to re-build a professional reputation and good working relationships with coworkers and other employees where she worked. She re-built her life from the ground up by being curious, open, and accepting of people, perspective, and change. She made herself vulnerable, tried making and breaking friendships, and learned to embrace her own shadows and darkness without becoming mean or evil.

Eventually, the woman learned what self care meant and how to provide that for herself. But she still didn’t often prioritize herself above others (human, plant, animal, work, etc.) in times of stress. She often focused on the other, outside of herself, and making sure that went perfectly at the expense of her own health and well-being. People would take advantage of that and then shame/shun/guilt/discard her like a used tissue when she started prioritizing herself first and accomplishing/supporting/helping others next.

Some people call it boundaries. Others call it limits. Still others have other terms for it. What the woman called “prioritizing me” others called “me time” or “down time” or “do nothing time” or “laziness” or “sloth”. And it’s something looked down on in many aspects of US culture. But the woman – who learned how to survive on 10 hours of sleep or less a week for the first 20+ years of her life – realized she couldn’t sustain this kind of living long term and needed to make physical and spiritual health changes as well as mental/emotional ones.

And that is how the woman discovered different spiritual and alternative medicine practices that allowed her choices, support, guidance, and connection without having to conform to any specific path.

Self Care is the action and intention. Prioritizing oneself means making the time, putting in the effort, and persisting to put the action and intention to practice in life.

Gratitude. Kindness. Persistence – A perfect recipe for giving and receiving every day miracles aka culture of abundance

As spiritual practice and physical body awareness became integrated into the woman’s coping strategies, she discovered how to communicate with her body and connect “physical sensations” with “mental emotions” and “spiritual experiences” – aka miracles. Every day miracles all around her. Her ability to cope with body memories, physical pain, nightmares, and flashbacks increased through this kind of integration.

That brought another perspective change. One where the woman chose to embrace unconditional love instead of fear. Hope instead of regret. Joy and laughter instead of anger and humiliation. Kindness instead of meanness. Abundance, prosperity, and bounty instead of scarcity, poverty, and lack of anything in this world.

All this towards herself and all other living beings. At all times. As much as possible. And forgive herself for making mistakes. Because she is only human.

Life showed her the value of gratitude and faith at an early age. Survival mode kept her living in fear and hurting herself and others until she found a sanctuary that provided her the tools to change her path. Now the woman uses her skills to find miracles and blessings in every moment of every day. Here are a few for 1/26/2020:

  • Woke up feeling safe and warm in a new apartment
  • Electricity and internet continue to work
  • Food delivery came on time and with an unexpected bonus
  • Non dairy yogurt tastes delicious and doesn’t cause gas
  • Has clean clothes to wear and can find them among the packing boxes
  • Feels happy and relaxed
  • Feels gratitude that she has a steady job and loved ones in her life again
  • Acccepts she is not a “people person” and prefers to create community/connection with other living beings insteadEnjoys connections and community with plants, animals and other living beings; not a substitute, but an alternative to connections/community with humans
  • Is alive, relatively healthy, and filled with unconditional love from the inside out through her faith in Spirit (aka universe, god, goddess, buddha, {your label here})

Now a grown woman, she works hard to live an authentic life on her terms.

Story Inspiration

On Friday, I didn’t have my laptop set up and used the iPad to write and publish the blog posts. One of them was originally titled “Prioritizing Me” as part of the Self Care challenge. It deliberately did not include tags or an excerpt. Nor did the title expand on details.

That was a test to see how people would react to a post with buzzwords that have potential negative connotations in the title. Would they move past their instinctive response and allow curiosity to rule – then read the post? Or would they ignore it?

Well, people ignored it. I learned that yesterday as I prepped the last Self Care challenge post for the week.

Next question: would people read or “like” or view the post if I changed the title, added tags, and an excerpt?

Answer, yes someone did “like” the post. By the way, likes are appreciated and valued as at the gifts they are so thank you for doing that.

In the end, I learned a valuable lesson about titles and and posts from last week’s challenge and am grateful for the new knowledge. It will help me provide better content in the future.

But I still believe people deserve to prioritize themselves and their self care before helping others as often as possible.

That doesn’t mean being selfish or not helping others when they can.

It means take care of yourself/myself/ourselves first to that you/I/we can show up healthy, happy and able to assist others.

And that’s why I shared these opinions as a story.

Reflection question: How can/does/will storytelling help you learn from your life experiences?

Love and Rainbows ~ TJ

Tools & Coping Strategies

Self Care Challenge 1/25/2020 (Final day) – Sleep and/or Relax

Photo by Fabricio Trujillo on Pexels.com

Disclaimer: I am not an expert by any means. Not a therapist, medical or mental health professional. I do not diagnose, treat, or tell people what to do. The main purpose of this website and blog is education and support. If you are unsure how the suggestions and resources here may affect you, please discuss any changes to your existing treatment plan with your medical and mental health providers first.

Action: Sleep and/or rest as much as I want all day and in between food breaks, hydration, and restroom breaks :/

Intention: Celebrate the spirit if not the law of the Lunar New Year (aka Chinese New Year holiday) by not doing much on the first day of the new year. Also practice Self Care practices like giving myself rest periods, reducing my sleep debt, and giving all parts of my self a chance to heal from everything that happened over the last few weeks by sleeping and resting.

Reflection: I feel like this goal was a success in many ways and a learning experience in other ways. Today is the second day I got to sleep late and wake up when I felt like it instead of when someone or something woke me up. In spite of the dog living above me and being on the second floor, I spent my first two nights getting some of the best consistent sleep in a long time. As in, I slept through the night for more than 3 hours at a time and wasn’t triggered by the noises coming from above, beside, below, or from the window of my apartment.

My body got me out of bed to do the usual things in the morning. Then I went back to sleep for my first nap. Woke up around noon time feeling happy and rested. Thought about going out, but decided to stay inside and rest instead. Talked with family to say Happy New Year after lunch. Slept some more and woke up alert when my alarm went off – I wanted enough time to eat dinner and write this post before trying out my new sleep hygiene routine (more on that later).

All the rest, sleep, good food, and Tulsi Sleep tea by Organic India brand helped my headache and body aches feel better too. The headache and sinus pressure are almost gone. My body does not ache as much, but I still move around like a creaky old person with joint pain (old for me is 90+ btw) and probably will for a few more weeks.

That brings me to the learning experience. I’ll keep it short since these posts are not meant to be too long:

  • Neighbors + property management + environmental comfort (aka how the apartment and entire complex is set up and maintained) have a major impact on my sense of safety
  • I am not triggered into flashbacks or panic attacks by any of indoor/outdoor neighborhood noise
  • Sometimes the dog living above me startles me when it is playing – the thumping (i.e. jumping/running/chasing toys and people) sounds loud to me – but does not feel scary like in the other building when dogs/cats and people lived above me

Challenge Conclusion: Overall, I feel like this challenge was a successful learning experience. 1) The challenge reminded me to make time for myself throughout the day; 2) Publishing a post here kept me responsible; 3) The challenge turned Self Care from obligation to fun

Reflection question(s): If you participated in some way, how do you feel about self care now that the challenge is over? If you did not participate, would you participate in a future challenge? Why or why not (for both questions)?

Love and Rainbows ~ TJ

Uncategorized

Self Care Challenge 1/24/2020: Prioritize Me (i.e. Protect Health with down time)

Disclaimer: I am not an expert by any means. Not a therapist, medical or mental health professional. I do not diagnose, treat, or tell people what to do. The main purpose of this website and blog is education and support. If you are unsure how the suggestions and resources here may affect you, please discuss any changes to your existing treatment plan with your medical and mental health providers first.

This has the old logo; it was created before Scent Reflections started.

Action: move slow and steady so that I protect myself from triggering more pain/flashbacks/panic attacks while also finishing my to-do list for today.

Intention: Prioritize my health and wellness today while also doing enough setting up at the new apartment to feel safe and comfortable.

Reflection: I feel safe and mostly comfortable in my new apartment. Finally have reliable and secure internet, so finished work tasks. Slept late. Rested between tasks. Only have to change sheets and shower.

So why do I feel like this was not successful? Not quite a failure, but something in between?

Maybe because it’s Chinese New Year’s Eve and I did not do any decorating or follow the celebration rituals this year. Maybe it’s because I am too hard on myself.

Either way, I did accomplish my intention for today. I took breaks, hydrated, ate, and checked off 4 out of 6 tasks on the to-do list.

Reflection Question: how do you cope with being too (insert word) on yourself?

Love and Rainbows ~ TJ

Tools & Coping Strategies

Self Care Challenge 1/23/2020 (late) – Respectful Social Interaction

Disclaimer: I am not an expert by any means. Not a therapist, medical or mental health professional. I do not diagnose, treat, or tell people what to do. The main purpose of this website and blog is education and support. If you are unsure how the suggestions and resources here may affect you, please discuss any changes to your existing treatment plan with your medical and mental health providers first.

Late because of unreliable internet; will post again later with today’s entry

Photo by Lisa Fotios on Pexels.com

Action: Be friendly, respectful and assertive in all social interactions (movers, building managers, doctor office, neighbors, etc.) using the Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) techniques.

Intention: Use DBT to manage my social anxiety and PTSD-related communication triggers so that I can be successful communicating and interacting with a variety of people on moving day.

Reflection: Yesterday was difficult in many ways. I had less than 5 hours of sleep and spent the whole day on the go: interacting with the movers, meeting new people in the new building, chatting with a friend on the way back to the old apartment, cleaning out and getting a late lunch, going for my Chinese medicine appointment, getting dinner, and finally home to the new place around 7PM.

Late dinner. Call to my parents to let them know I was home safe. Try (and fail) to use building’s public WiFi to watch a movie. Decide not to fight the network and post on the blog. Crash into sleep in a cold apartment because still getting used to the heat settings.

Overall this challenge was a success. I did not start having issues until the end of the day when I felt safe enough to start relaxing – so during my Chinese medicine appointment. I have been going there for 3 plus years, so was comfortable letting them see and hear my anxiety. See as in the way I moved. Hear as in my rapid speech and hoarse voice.

The downside to putting that much effort into being social for 12 hours without a break is incredible physical pain. Headaches, muscle tension and stiffness, cold & flu symptoms, lack of appetite, nausea, feeling cold from the inside out, and sinus pain all hit hard. Today the pain has eased, but the headache, stuffy nose, and hip/back pain continue.

Not the first time this happened. Probably not the last either. And the pain was less this time compared to the other times. I stayed conscious. I did not have panic attacks. And I managed to eat/drink fluids.

Will I do this again any time soon – no. Was it worth the effort – yes

Reflection questions: would you be willing to pay a steep price to be successful? And what do you consider a steep price, but still worth paying for if the price is short and the benefits long term.

Love and Rainbows ~ TJ

Tools & Coping Strategies

Self Care Challenge 1/22/2020 – Take Breaks

Disclaimer: I am not an expert by any means. Not a therapist, medical or mental health professional. I do not diagnose, treat, or tell people what to do. The main purpose of this website and blog is education and support. If you are unsure how the suggestions and resources here may affect you, please discuss any changes to your existing treatment plan with your medical and mental health providers first.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Action: Take short, long, medium breaks to hydrate, rest, re-fuel and relax in between work and packing

Intention: Use the breaks to give all parts of my self time to relax and recalibrate instead of getting stuck in mental anxiety loops, pushing too hard and too fast to accomplish tasks, and stressing out over all the packing left to do before the movers come tomorrow.

Reflection: I feel like I failed this challenge even though I’ve taken a variety of breaks throughout the day. It’s about 8:30 PM pacific time, and I still have to pack my clothes, dishes, blankets, printer cartridges and a variety of small items.

But, if I look at it from and observer’s perspective, I was successful. I finished work on time. Got my mail to Fedex. Picked up a mail box. Remembered to eat regular meals and snacks. Drank tea and streamed TV/movies. Talked with family. And packed 80% of my items.

Also, I arranged for the movers to help me pack up any items I did not get to pack before they show up early in the morning. I feel tired and energized at the same time.

The packing part is easy to finish tonight. I will put all my clothes and small items in boxes. Pack as much of my dishes as possible. Let the movers take down and pack the prints on my walls, curtains, curtain rods, hangers, etc. It will cost a little extra, but worthwhile in the end because of the short time frame for this move.

But the cleaning up part after the move is what really scares me. After the movers finish here, they will drive the truck to my new place. I have to get there on my own; let them in to bring all the items in my apartment and put the bed together; pay the movers; and come back to the old apartment to clean it out and leave my keys.

Technically, the old apartment is mine until the end of the month. But I struggle with the whole “I want to get everything done ASAP and put it behind me” mindset.

So maybe today’s challenge was both success and failure. I took breaks and managed to relax. I experienced the stress and anxiety. And coped with all that the best way possible.

Reflection challenge: What do you do when you feel like you failed?

Love and Rainbows ~ TJ

Herbs & Herbal Medicine

Self Care Challenge 1/21/2020 – Stay Hydrated

Disclaimer: I am not an expert by any means. Not a therapist, medical or mental health professional. I do not diagnose, treat, or tell people what to do. The main purpose of this website and blog is education and support. If you are unsure how the suggestions and resources here may affect you, please discuss any changes to your existing treatment plan with your medical and mental health providers first.

Tea preparation: electric kettle, my favorite mug & custom herbal tea blend

Action: Make two kinds of delicious tea (chamomile in a tea bag and custom loose leaf tea made from plantain and calendula) to stay hydrated today.

Intention: Prevent dehydration and stress-related headaches, muscle pain, fatigue and distraction by making herbal tea to promote the following actions:

Infuser travel mug with custom blend; cup of chamomile with loose leaf tea and kettle
  • Calm/muscle relaxation (chamomile tea)
  • Encourage circulation and drying out of lymphatic fluids to reduce congestion and drain my sinuses (plantain and calendula blend learned from herbal materia medica class)
  • Promote feelings of hunger/support digestion so that I don’t lapse into stress-related periods of not eating

Reflection: Yesterday I went to bed feeling dry. That happens sometimes with drinking too much calendula and plantain tea; I’m still experimenting with how much (1 cup or 2 or more?) tea is enough in one day. At the same time, I felt grateful the tea was working enough that my nose and sinuses did not feel puffy and sore today.

This morning I woke up thirsty, but not hungry. Remembering that I forgot to drink enough liquids yesterday, I decided to make tea early this morning using my favorite mug and favorite infuser travel mug. The mason jar with dried herbs is my personal blend of dried plantain leaves and calendula flowers.

A view of the travel tea mug with infuser cap

So, I made the easy tea first – chamomile in a tea bag – and slowly sipped from my 20 oz mug throughout the morning. That relaxed me and helped me focus while also stimulating my appetite – not usual but happy it happened. After work, I felt the urge to drink the custom blend that required a longer hot infusion (10 minutes +) for optimal brewing to my taste. As I write this post, the tea is almost finished (14 oz container with about 10-12oz of tea) and ready for the next brew tomorrow.

Yes, the best part about making my own herbal tea blends is that I can re-use them to make multiple cups of tea. Sustainable, delicious, and fun to make.

I started with the intention to feel joy, laughter, peace and vitality – infuse my tea with unconditional love, acceptance, healing, and resilience – as I blended the tea. Throughout the day, I used the act of drinking tea as part of a mindfulness and sensory grounding coping technique.

  • Look at the tea and container.
  • Smell the tea. Taste the tea. Listen to the tea bag or herbs and water move in the container.
  • Listen to the sounds each container made as it was picked up and put down.
  • Feel the weight of the containers, the texture of the containers and teabag’s string, the slide of tea on my lips/tongue/mouth/throat as I swallowed.
  • Taste the flavors on my lips and tongue before swallowing.

Integrate the physical sensations with emotional and spiritual sensations as all parts of me joined together in these moments to communicate and enjoy a small success.

Reflection question: What small act of self care did you do for yourself today?

Love and Rainbows ~ TJ

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Aromatherapy

Self Care Challenge: 1/20/2020 – Aromatherapy Inhaler for Emotional Support & Panic Attacks

Inhalers are easy to make, portable, and discreet. i.e. use anywhere any time.

Disclaimer: I am not an expert by any means. Not a therapist, medical or mental health professional. I do not diagnose, treat, or tell people what to do. The main purpose of this website and blog is education and support. If you are unsure how the suggestions and resources here may affect you, please discuss any changes to your existing treatment plan with your medical and mental health providers first.

Action: Smell essential oil blend in the aromatherapy inhaler when I felt triggered, overwhelmed, or distracted at work.

Intention: Use the essential oil blend to bring me back to the present moment when I feel panicked or stressed out.

Reflection: Some people call it a “power pause”. Others call it “mindfulness”. I personally call it a sensory grounding strategy that provides emotional support + cold/flu/allergy prevention by engaging my senses – smell and vision.

Today, I felt distracted and tense, on the verge of panicking. I woke up with the intention to work and go to the new apartment to finish the move-in checklist. Then come back and pack before bed time. Work was busy though; I was distracted thinking about my move and feeling triggered by lack of sleep + stress from getting everything ready for Thursday.

Pause to look at my inhaler.

Then open it and smell the custom blend of essential oils brought me back to the present moment.

The scent reminded me of peace, love, and laughter. I was so happy and excited when I made it last November. But also experiencing a bad head cold. The essential oils chosen have therapeutic properties that help reduce symptoms of cold and flu while also providing emotional support and grounding. I used it about 3x today.

When it wasn’t near by (I keep this one at my work station), just thinking about the blend made me stop and smile.

Reflection question: What small act of self care did you do for yourself today?

Love and Rainbows ~ TJ

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