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I woke up this morning feeling emotionally lighter than normal. In fact, I laughed at the circumstances since it was an “oh crap, I overslept. Thank (your word) I work from home” kind of start. But it got me moving. I couldn’t sit still to work, but I did experience improved concentration compared to yesterday.
Yesterday was hard. I was a lump on a log. Moving, living, staying present took energy and effort I didn’t want to spend. Cold, dark, with the specter of coronavirus or COVID-19 hovering everywhere, not even the balcony felt safe. I brought my plants inside because the temperature stayed in the 30’s Fahrenheit most of the morning and early afternoon.
So the fact that I woke up because of something that used to trigger panic attacks in my sleep and then started laughing when it didn’t felt energizing.
That is why the challenge is not starting until Sunday.
I need time. Time to think about what I can do. Time to plan photos and interesting stories to share here. And time to make sure I can give my best to the challenge.
No, the Facebook live isn’t bait or a teaser. It’s part of me challenging myself not to be afraid anymore. Fear of failure. Fear of being visible. Fear of rejection. Fear of being vulnerable. All that and more.
I don’t expect anyone to join me. And I am afraid of what happens if people do join. Will I lose my voice? But either way, it will happen.
Here is my reflection question for today. Maybe it will be yours too.
Reflection: Why did I wait so long to get my annual wellness exam, and what am I afraid of (besides COVID-19) that is stopping me from enjoying a walk outside today?
They don’t seem related, but are because I can now walk a few blocks or take public transit to get to the doctor’s office.
I feel like something is being created. Grief is transforming into something else. Is it okay to enjoy life, laugh, and have fun while I grieve? Maybe, maybe not.
But today I move with purpose. Maybe you will too.
Looking forward to (and scared of) the challenge on Sunday. Are you?
Love and Rainbows ~ TJ